Thursday, November 10, 2011

Because I Love Her So

I'm worried about my mom.  Actually, I'm sick with concern.

No really, I am (sick).  I can barely breathe, in fact.

(My mother is undergoing extensive testing, after an abnormal doctor's appointment on Monday.)

With that said, I need to come out with my feelings.  Because no one has forever.  And, I don't want to regret not sharing my heart, my open loving heart, with her.

I've been angry with my mother for a very long time now.  (Because of her lies and inconsistencies during my teenage years.)


More mad with her, than with anyone else in this great, big world... the person that gave me life, the woman I'm probably most like.

(Funny how that works, right?)

Just look, for example, at my angry, closed-off body language in our most recent photo above.

And I don't try to be mean, or callous, or coarse with her, but I am.

I tell myself, I've forgiven her.  That I love her, and think she's the most crazy-unique person I've ever met.  Boy, can she tell a story...

But, I'm still sharp.

And when she comes for the weekend, and leaves, I feel remorse for my actions, my blunt words.  I don't know why I'm so hostile?

I started to write about it a few weeks ago.  Actually, I listed it as a goal here.

Learn to be more accepting of others.

I never explained myself, or touched back on the topic though. Mainly because I didn't want to (feel or cause) hurt.  And I didn't want to do the work to understand my anger.  But I realize now, I don't need to understand anything.  I just need to love my mother, and forgive her, and accept her for who she is, imperfections and all.

I just hope she'll be alright.  Because I love her so.

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3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you've got so many difficult emotions when it comes to your mom, I can definitely sympathize with you there. I have a similar relationship with mine. I hope her test results come back fine, I know you already have enough to deal with. Hugs!!

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  3. That's rough to go through. I have similar feelings with my step-dad...although he was always my dad from the time I was 4. He was a control freak and very hostile. But, I always managed to still try and love him...even though I don't know if the feeling was mutual at all. This might be a wound you will never heal. I haven't talked to him for 2 years now and I always wonder if I am making the right decisions. Lots of love!

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Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts. I love 'em all!

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