Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The {Momentary} Victor

Over the last few weeks, blogging's been low on my list of priorities. 

And I could blame my absence on the holidays, for having grandparents in town, or ya da ya da ya...

But, it just wouldn't be the truth.  

And there's really no point in pretending.  At least not here.

I mean, this is my space for truth and expression, for honesty no matter the pain... or humiliation.

So on that note, where do I begin (embarrassing myself)?  

For starters, I'm struggling to find my inner strength.  

I really am. 

It's like autism has me by the collar tight, and I'm fighting to breathe new life, new thoughts and/or ideas.  I just feel so one note...

But nothing means more though.  There's nothing weighing on my mind more great than autism.  (Will there ever be?)  And, I feel alone:  detached from myself, my family and friends, my husband...

Plus, I'm anxious.  Not to mention, hypersensitive.  Oh, and fun, what's that?

I only know the time we'll wrestle is indefinite.  Autism'll always have me pinned, because my weakness is my child.  And I hear you all loud and clear, shouting from the stands, "Be strong, Gillian.  Don't be afraid.  This doesn't define Aksel.  You're doing the right thing."

Yet, I can't look you in the eye for fear of breaking down.  For being weak, not in control.  Can you make my child speak?  Please.

It's just that at this stage in the game, autism is the victor.

So that's why I haven't been writing...

PS - I promise tomorrow's Wordless post will be upbeat and positive.

PPS - Despite my worry, which as you know I can't seem to control, Aksel's making lots of progress.

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10 comments:

  1. *hugs* I don't know the right thing to say, but just know I am thinking about you.

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  2. You are stronger than you will ever know. Think of all that you do for that beautiful boy. It will get better. Just believe.

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  3. Just know you're not alone. Your readers are rooting for you and your family. There are so many other moms going through the exact same thing you are. You are NOT to blame. And it WILL get better. xo

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  4. <3 No need for excuses, we'll be here when you come back. I echo what a previous poster said, you're not alone. I catch myself thinking of you guys often times and just wish so hard the road ahead gets smoother.
    Way to go Aksel!

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  5. In here, you can truly express yourself and we are all here to listen and support you. It seems to be tough right now and things will get better bit by bit. Aksel is making progress now which is a good sign. [big hug]

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  6. Thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable and honest. I really admire that. I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I'm praying for you today.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling to find your inner strength. Hopefully you have a great support group with family and friends - not to mention you always have us (your blogging friends) that you can lean on.

    Glad to hear Aksel is making progress. Thoughts and well wishes go out to you.

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  8. Now following you through the Saturday blog hop! I hope that you will take a minute to check my blog out and feel like following me :) Your family is cute.

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  9. (Sunday Blog Hop)

    Hi. Things will get better and brighter. Hang in there. All 3 of my boys are 'on the autism spectrum'- but none have severe autism. My middle was considered moderately autistic until he was about 6 or 7. He was non-verbal until 3, but was 'barey verbal and non-communicative" until about 6.

    And, honestly- he is my most fun kid. (He's 17 now)

    It's good to step back and detach for a little bit sometimes.. as long as it is a little bit. Glad you are back to blogging.

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  10. So sorry you're feeling like this. Life is hard sometimes. When we are weak, HE is strong. Saying a quick prayer for you today.

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Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts. I love 'em all!

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